I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
