I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
