im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
