My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
