I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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