New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
