a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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