I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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