I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
