So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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