Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
