ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
