Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
