You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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