I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
