Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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