im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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