grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
