I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
