i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
