I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
