ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
