woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
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Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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