if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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