Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
