To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
