Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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