I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
