I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I have aggressive nipples.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
