Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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