my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
