A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
