My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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