The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
