I have demons in me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
