dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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