If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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