the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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