overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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