Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
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That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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