Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
