nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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