that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
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She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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