when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
