i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
