Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm passing your future prison.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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