Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Houston, we have a blender
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
