with your own penis?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
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last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
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