go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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