our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
how does that bad decision feel?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
