I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I did not marry a roomba.
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