CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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