Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
